The Elephant in My Room

I kept thinking about how I needed to write this post but was kind of dreading it because I didn't known where to start and what to include/not include, but my feeling to do this was getting stronger and stronger, and I just couldn't it put it off any longer.  So bear with me as I attempt to write about the elephant in my room.

Newel and I have been married for almost 5 years.  It's been so great.  Everyday spent with him gets better and better because he's the perfect husband, friend and companion for me.  Before we got married, we agreed on wanting to wait a little while (2ish years) before having children.  Well before 2ish years, I had strong impressions to stop taking birth control pills to give myself time to be off them and let my body re-balance before attempting to get pregnant.  So I stopped taking them and then I never got my period back.  I started seeing doctors to help me with this issue and thus began my journey of first trying to get normal cycles and then, once 2ish years came along, to get pregnant.

My journey has included rounds of Clomid, Letrazol, and Follistim shots as well as diet cleanses, herbal supplements, and essential oils interpersed with breaks of not trying anymore because I was stressed and tired and subconsciously hoped that I would actually get pregnant when we stopped trying.  I've had negative experiences with some treatments and positive ones with others.  I don't feel like going into the details of each treatment/experience, but if you happen to be reading this and want to know my experience using and/or doing something, I'd be happy to expound.  You'd just have to ask. :)

Initially, my journey was difficult emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I had those destructive self-doubts including feeling like I wasn't getting pregnant because of something I had done wrong.  I also felt alone in my challenges - which looking back is so weird because so many people have gone through similar things.  As time passed, I saw that I wasn't alone.  I can't even count how many friends and family members contacted me, saying they were thinking of me and just wanted to say hi and tell me they love me.  This happened at least once a week or every other week for several months.  I felt really loved and supported and it was especially cool because most people didn't know I was having a hard time.

As my journey continued, I went through times where things were looking up and I was feeling good and positive, and then periods where things wouldn't work the way I thought they would, and tests came back negative or blood work gave no definitive reason for my challenge and I would get sad.  And while I was sincerely happy for friends and family that got pregnant, my heart would ache because I wanted the same thing so badly. 

And guess what, my journey continues.  I don't know how much longer it will last or how it will conclude, but I'm grateful for all that I've learned, and I know that I am better because of all of it.

I can't even begin to write all the different things I've learned the last few years, big and small.  One thing that stands out to me is how much I learned to truly, deeply, and completely love myself and my body/spirit.  I went through a long time of feeling betrayed by my body because it wasn't doing what it was created to do.  After reading books, articles and blogs related to fertility as well as holistic health and well-being, I realized how disconnected and unappreciative I was of my body and all that it does for me.  Last year I started doing this little exercise when I'm falling asleep at night - I put my hand over my heart and (in my head) thank it for beating every moment of my life, for it pumping blood throughout my body.  I thank my brain for thinking clearly and my stomach for digesting foods I consume.  I thank my legs for walking and my arms for lifting and whatever else comes to my mind. I know it sounds silly, but it's completely changed the way I look at myself and my physical strengths/weakness.  I now truly love and express gratitude for the wonderful, healthy body I've been given.  I love and accept it, all of it, completely. 

Another thing I learned is how completely and unconditionally God loves us and is aware of us.  I mentioned earlier how friends and family would randomly text or email me and tell me they love me and are thinking of me.  I instantly knew that these messages from family and friends were God's way of communicating to me that He loves me and is thinking of me.  These experiences helped me realize I'm not alone, nor have I ever been alone.  Because it's something we really need and we sincerely desire and ask for divine help, Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, will with us every step of our way in life.

Lastly, I've learned how much God's timeline is better than mine.  I have already seen all the wonderful opportunities I've had to learn and grow in my relationships with Newel, family members, friends, coworkers and others.  I've had great experiences serving in my church callings and temple assignments, working at my job, and expanding/improving my gifts and abilities that can help others.  I may not have had these opportunities had I not been going through this particular journey. Letting go of my timeline and expectations and trusting that God's plan for me is better and that His plan is the plan I want for myself too has brought so much peace and acceptance and love and light into my life again.

I know there are many, many people that have had their own experiences with fertility and each experience has had its own outcome.  I don't know what mine will be, but I trust that it will be perfect.  If anything, I know I already have more compassion for people that are going through hard things.  I know that it is because of our Savior's Atonement, His grace and power that we are lifted up, that we are able to move forward in life with peace and joy.  I am so grateful for the light and love He shares with each of us.

Thank you for reading my ramblings about my elephant.  This elephant and I haven't had the best relationship all the time, but I appreciate him more and more now.  And I'm glad I finally addressed him on my blog - even though it's not Southern.  I used to feel scared to share my thoughts and feelings related to this experience, feeling like I'd be judged for my challenge and how I was responding to it, but I feel so much more comfortable with this being a part of my life now.  Sorry if this is too much info for strangers, but I know my mom and my good friends will appreciate it. :)