The Elephant in My Room

I kept thinking about how I needed to write this post but was kind of dreading it because I didn't known where to start and what to include/not include, but my feeling to do this was getting stronger and stronger, and I just couldn't it put it off any longer.  So bear with me as I attempt to write about the elephant in my room.

Newel and I have been married for almost 5 years.  It's been so great.  Everyday spent with him gets better and better because he's the perfect husband, friend and companion for me.  Before we got married, we agreed on wanting to wait a little while (2ish years) before having children.  Well before 2ish years, I had strong impressions to stop taking birth control pills to give myself time to be off them and let my body re-balance before attempting to get pregnant.  So I stopped taking them and then I never got my period back.  I started seeing doctors to help me with this issue and thus began my journey of first trying to get normal cycles and then, once 2ish years came along, to get pregnant.

My journey has included rounds of Clomid, Letrazol, and Follistim shots as well as diet cleanses, herbal supplements, and essential oils interpersed with breaks of not trying anymore because I was stressed and tired and subconsciously hoped that I would actually get pregnant when we stopped trying.  I've had negative experiences with some treatments and positive ones with others.  I don't feel like going into the details of each treatment/experience, but if you happen to be reading this and want to know my experience using and/or doing something, I'd be happy to expound.  You'd just have to ask. :)

Initially, my journey was difficult emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I had those destructive self-doubts including feeling like I wasn't getting pregnant because of something I had done wrong.  I also felt alone in my challenges - which looking back is so weird because so many people have gone through similar things.  As time passed, I saw that I wasn't alone.  I can't even count how many friends and family members contacted me, saying they were thinking of me and just wanted to say hi and tell me they love me.  This happened at least once a week or every other week for several months.  I felt really loved and supported and it was especially cool because most people didn't know I was having a hard time.

As my journey continued, I went through times where things were looking up and I was feeling good and positive, and then periods where things wouldn't work the way I thought they would, and tests came back negative or blood work gave no definitive reason for my challenge and I would get sad.  And while I was sincerely happy for friends and family that got pregnant, my heart would ache because I wanted the same thing so badly. 

And guess what, my journey continues.  I don't know how much longer it will last or how it will conclude, but I'm grateful for all that I've learned, and I know that I am better because of all of it.

I can't even begin to write all the different things I've learned the last few years, big and small.  One thing that stands out to me is how much I learned to truly, deeply, and completely love myself and my body/spirit.  I went through a long time of feeling betrayed by my body because it wasn't doing what it was created to do.  After reading books, articles and blogs related to fertility as well as holistic health and well-being, I realized how disconnected and unappreciative I was of my body and all that it does for me.  Last year I started doing this little exercise when I'm falling asleep at night - I put my hand over my heart and (in my head) thank it for beating every moment of my life, for it pumping blood throughout my body.  I thank my brain for thinking clearly and my stomach for digesting foods I consume.  I thank my legs for walking and my arms for lifting and whatever else comes to my mind. I know it sounds silly, but it's completely changed the way I look at myself and my physical strengths/weakness.  I now truly love and express gratitude for the wonderful, healthy body I've been given.  I love and accept it, all of it, completely. 

Another thing I learned is how completely and unconditionally God loves us and is aware of us.  I mentioned earlier how friends and family would randomly text or email me and tell me they love me and are thinking of me.  I instantly knew that these messages from family and friends were God's way of communicating to me that He loves me and is thinking of me.  These experiences helped me realize I'm not alone, nor have I ever been alone.  Because it's something we really need and we sincerely desire and ask for divine help, Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, will with us every step of our way in life.

Lastly, I've learned how much God's timeline is better than mine.  I have already seen all the wonderful opportunities I've had to learn and grow in my relationships with Newel, family members, friends, coworkers and others.  I've had great experiences serving in my church callings and temple assignments, working at my job, and expanding/improving my gifts and abilities that can help others.  I may not have had these opportunities had I not been going through this particular journey. Letting go of my timeline and expectations and trusting that God's plan for me is better and that His plan is the plan I want for myself too has brought so much peace and acceptance and love and light into my life again.

I know there are many, many people that have had their own experiences with fertility and each experience has had its own outcome.  I don't know what mine will be, but I trust that it will be perfect.  If anything, I know I already have more compassion for people that are going through hard things.  I know that it is because of our Savior's Atonement, His grace and power that we are lifted up, that we are able to move forward in life with peace and joy.  I am so grateful for the light and love He shares with each of us.

Thank you for reading my ramblings about my elephant.  This elephant and I haven't had the best relationship all the time, but I appreciate him more and more now.  And I'm glad I finally addressed him on my blog - even though it's not Southern.  I used to feel scared to share my thoughts and feelings related to this experience, feeling like I'd be judged for my challenge and how I was responding to it, but I feel so much more comfortable with this being a part of my life now.  Sorry if this is too much info for strangers, but I know my mom and my good friends will appreciate it. :)

Adventures Elsewhere - Innsbruck

The drive from Munich to Innsbruck, Austria was incredible.  When we saw the German Alps for the first time, I couldn't help but sing "The Hills are Alive" from The Sound of Music.

I loved the little hotel we stayed in located along the river front in Old Town Innsbruck.  Our view of the river and the mountains was beautiful.  It was cloudy and rainy when we got there so we couldn't see the stars, but we heard that you usually can see them so clearly because you're all up high in the mountains.

In the morning, we walked around Old Town and saw the Golden Roof (considered the city's most famous symbol and if you look closely, you can see it in the far background behind Newel).  Emperor Maximilian I and his wife would watch plays, festivals and other forms of entertainment held in the town square from the balcony.  Trumpeters were playing a song on the balcony when we saw it.  Our stay in Innsbruck was quiet and restful which worked out because it was also a Sunday so we didn't do much else other than walk through the town and see pretty sites here and there.

What I want to remember:
1)  Our cute little hotel, Hotel Mondschein, and the views from our room.
2)  The brightly colored buildings - I really thought the little city was quite beautiful.
3)  The church bells ringing every 15 minutes - we weren't able to go to church that day, but I felt like the church bells helped me remember God and the holiness of the Sabbath.

Adventures Elsewhere - Munich & Dachau

Wow, it's been far too long since I've posted.  I was thinking that setting a goal to finish writing about our trip would help me post more often and include other posts about visiting family in North Carolina and San Diego, as well as just the usual happenings of me and Newel here in Birmingham.  But it didn't, and that's okay.  How about I set another goal.  Do you think I can write about the adventures of our trip to Europe by the end of this month?  I'm going to try.

So after Prague, we drove to Munich.  It was a really rainy drive.  It reminded me of the rain we get in Birmingham.  There was so much rain, that a ton of water splashed up on our windshield from the other side of the freeway and I thought it was going to knock our car over.  Newel thinks that's an exaggeration, but I'm not kidding.  It was a BIG splash/smack.

When we arrived in Munich, my right hip and ankle were feeling really sore.  I'm in good physical shape, but I think all of our walking every day for the last 6 days caught up to me because that's what I remember the most when I think of Munich - my hip hurting and feeling like I was slowing Newel down with my oldness even though he's older than me, and we're both not old!  Well, Newel is kind of old.  But not me. :)

Anyway, Munich.  Really neat city.  We walked around Old Town Munich and Marienplatz and saw the Glockenspiel, Hofsgarten/Residenz and Frauenkirche.  I remember there was a lot of shopping.  Not as much as Prague, but a lot.  Munich was a lot like what we saw in East Germany but nicer.  And by nicer, I don't mean better; just different in a cleaner, newer, more well-kept kind of way.

The next morning, we drove to Dachau and saw the concentration camp.  I remember planning for our trip and telling my mom about all the things we were going to do.  After telling her about each thing, I would say, "and that will be fun".  When I told her about going to Dachau, I automatically said, "and that will be fun", but then I thought that probably wasn't the best way to describe a concentration camp.  I followed with "well, not fun, but..." and I couldn't find the words.  My mom said, "Not fun, but important.  It's important that people see it and remember it."  True that, Mom.

After that, we went to Residenz, a royal palace of Bavarian monarchs now turned huge museum.  No pictures of the inside because we couldn't take any.  And all our pictures of the outside didn't really turn out.

What we want to remember:
1) What remained of the barracks and crematorium at Dachau and all the significance of what happened there - a truly tragic chapter in the history of our human family.
2) The decorative details throughout the halls and rooms of Residenz and the fact that you could easily get lost there without the museum maps and docents.
3) How there were so many people everywhere, especially in Marienplatz while a soccer game was being broadcast.  There are SO many hardcore soccer fans in Germany.  And can I say that we were really happy about Germany winning the World Cup last summer?  I think they won because we visited their country. :)

Adventures Elsewhere - Prague

On our journey to Prague, our GPS took us on some crazy back roads to get there.  We thought we were lost.  It was a tad unnerving, but after driving in what we thought was the middle of nowhere for an hour or so, we were able to find it alright.

Prague was amazing, but we had a rude introduction when the Prague police pulled us over for driving in a no parking zone.  He said our fine would be 1000 koruna.  I had no idea what a koruna was worth so my heart was sinking into my stomach.  Newel left to go exchange for koruna.  He took awhile to get back and the police started to question me about where my husband had gone.  I felt like crying.  I just wanted to enjoy Prague!  Fortunately, Newel came back.  He took longer because he went to our hotel to ask if the fine the police gave us was legit.  1000 Koruna is only about 35 euro so that worked out.  Ugh.  It was a bummer and I don't want to complain about it because it's over, but I still wanted to write about it.

Once we got the police out of our hair, we got to our hotel which was kind of like a step-up from a hostel.  Our room had twin beds and we shared a bathroom with the other rooms on our floor.  Here is what we did after we checked in to our hotel and ate some delicious Czech food:

Walked around Old Town Square which included the Astronomical Clock, Tyn Catherdral, St. Nicholas Church, Charles Bridge, Lesser Town, and Bethlehem Chapel.  I think I was a little peeved and maybe semi-traumatized from the police so my picture taking diminished somewhat while we were there.  Here's a good one of Newel in front of Tyn Cathedral.

The next morning, we walked to Prague Castle which had amazing views (see one of my favorite pictures I took below).  

Prague Castle included St. Vitus Cathedral, the royal gardens, and guards that don't move (like in London).  We later went to the banks of Vltava River, crossed St. Charles Bridge and walked through Old Town one last time before getting on the road heading to Munich.

Overall impressions of Prague: very touristy, tons and tons of people, major traffic - which Newel loved ;).  It reminded us of New Orleans; so many fun things to do and see but kind of crazy too.

What I want to remember:

1) Dinner with Newel including the waiter commenting that he must be the only man in Prague not drinking and then telling me he was a keeper - I've always thought Newel was a keeper for many reasons including him not drinking.

2) Walking around Prague, holding hands - that might sound silly, but I just felt grateful to get to hold hands with Newel in one of the coolest cities in the world. :)

3) The views from Prague Castle.

Things Newel wants to remember:

1) The details of our hotel - I forgot to mention that it was built in 1467.

2) The restaurant we ate at including our meal and the bread

3) The old buildings and architecture

Lessons learned:

1) Do more research before seeing Prague including background/history on all the attractions as well as places to stay outside of the city and so you can just take the tram to get to where you want to go.

2) Money isn't the most important thing (I was bugged about our driving violation fine),

3) Things are only as traumatic as you make them (again, bugged about that police incident, but it's all good now).

Adventures Elsewhere - Dresden

I know what you're probably thinking because I've been thinking it too - Is she ever going to finish blogging about her Europe trip?!  It was over 6 months ago!!!  I know, it will end soon.  I think my subconscious still wants to be in Europe so I'm dragging out my posts as long as possible. :)  My goal is to get all my posts about the trip up by the end of this year.  My track record for blogpost frequency makes it look like I won't be able to do it, but I shall!  You also might wonder how I can still remember enough to write about our experiences, but the good news is that I took notes about our journey as the travels occurred when we were driving from city to city.  So my recollections are pretty legit.

Anyway, so DRESDEN.  I loved it.  Newel said it was his favorite city he served in and it was my favorite city we visited in East Germany.  Here's some of what we did when we were there:

We walked around the Neustadt (new city) and saw Newel's old missionary apartment.  Then we checked into our hotel which was one of my favorites - Motel One.

 We then walked across Marienbrucke and caught this view of the Altstadt (old city).  I was so taken aback by this view when I first saw it.  I couldn't believe I was in such a beautiful place full of so much history.  Then we walked more along the River Elbe.

In the Altstadt we saw the old opera house, Dresden castle, and Fraunkirche (Church of Our Lady).  The Fraunkirche was bombed and destroyed during WWII and then was later rebuilt a few years after Newel finished his mission.  When he was in Dresden, it was still a pile of rubble so it was really cool for him to see it completed.  We climbed to the top and got these amazing views of the city.

We then walked and walked and walked and walked!  We saw the Golden Rider statue of August the Strong (major king of Saxony).

The next morning, we walked to the Zwinger - a massive party palace partly inspired by Versailles.

And then we went to the Praguestrasse where Newel did missionary work.

What I want to remember about Dresden:
1) How much Newel loved seeing it again and talking about what it was like to serve there.
2) All the moms with babies - and they all rode bikes and had baby bike seats in the front of their handle bars.
3) The view from Fraunkirche
4) Walking in the Neustadt down Rothenburgerstasse
5)  The unevenness of the sidewalks because of all the big cobblestones - this was a little detail Newel had forgotten
6) Sitting and people watching with Newel in the Praguestrasse

He is the Gift

This came to me via email at a perfect moment.  I was feeling stressed with all things related to Christmas and my never-ending to-do list, but then I watched this and now I feel all better.  I once again realized that my lists don't really matter and getting it all done doesn't matter either.  All that matters is that I remember the Gift of Our Savior; that I remember His love and that I remember to share it with others.  He is the Gift.

What is Happening to Me?

Hey y'all.  Might as well say y'all because people are telling me I sound SOUTHERN!!!  WHAT?!  Or should I say REALLY?  Ha ha.

When I was in Utah for a training, other people taking the course asked me where I was from, and when I said Alabama, they said, "Oh yeah, you sound Southern."

And then when I was in Cafe Rio I wanted to get a frequent diner card because I planned on eating there every day I was there and then give the card to someone before I left.  Anyway, without even thinking, I said, "Do y'all have one of those free meal cards?"  And right then I realized I said y'all without even trying!  I usually make a conscious effort to say y'all here because 'you guys' sounds too weird to people.  Anyway, I think I'm getting the hang of saying y'all and I guess sounding more and more Southern.

My sister (who is serving a mission in Texas) says sounding Southern is a good thing.  I agree. :)

I should add that the people who are telling me I sound Southern are from out West.  They need to come to Alabama and hear a true Southerner because then they'd realize I'm not even close to sounding like that kind of awesomeness.  I still get the occasional 'you're not from around here, are you.' from people that are from here so I think I'm still good.